red lightning – Red Lightning

Trial by Fire: Maximum Effort

Setting: Federal courtroom. Cameras banned. Sketch artists working overtime.

Cast:

Joe Jukic – plaintiff’s advocate
CJ – science-forward co-counsel
Ryan Reynolds – appearing as Deadpool, representing R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company
Judge Alvarez – unimpressed

(Yes, the bailiff confirmed this is legally allowed. Barely.)

INT. COURTROOM – DAY

The doors burst open.

In strides Ryan Reynolds in a red suit—mask off, tie slightly crooked.

DEADPOOL (Ryan)
Your Honor, in my defense, I was told this was a burn hearing. I assumed campfire. Possibly marshmallows.

JUDGE ALVAREZ
Counselor, remove the katanas.

He sighs, hands them to the bailiff.

PLAINTIFF’S CASE

JOE
Ladies and gentlemen, this case is simple. RJ Reynolds cigarettes are full of unnatural toxins. A commercial cigarette is more harmful than a hand-rolled “natural” one, because inhaling natural smoke exposes the lungs to much less carcinogens.

CJ (clicks remote)
Arsenic. Cadmium. Lead. Carbon monoxide. Benzene. Nitrosamines. The chemistry of RJ Reynolds is made to cause cancer.

JOE
Our argument? “Natural” cigarettes are safer. They’re just smoke — like standing too close to a campfire and inhaling.

DEFENSE: DEADPOOL RISES

He strolls toward the jury box.

DEADPOOL
Okay. First: nobody here is claiming cigarettes are kale smoothies. They’re regulated products for adults. Warning labels? Check. Advertising limits? Check. Government taxes big enough to fund a small moon? Also check.

He leans on the rail.

DEADPOOL (cont’d)
The plaintiffs say smoke is smoke. Fair. But context matters. Dose matters. Frequency matters. A ceremonial puff once a year isn’t the same as two packs a day. Science loves nuance. So should we.

CROSS-EXAMINATION

CJ
Doctor, does inhaling any combusted smoke introduce carcinogens?

DR. MARKOVIC
NO

DEADPOOL
Doctor, does sitting around a wildfire for months increase lung risk?

DR. MARKOVIC
Not really.

DEADPOOL
So the villain here is me. Some secret cabal of my family business, RJ Reynolds, and the Rockefeller cancer industry.

The jury chuckles.

DEADPOOL (aside to jury)
If we had a natural smoke, I promise I’d livestream it.

CLOSING ARGUMENTS

JOE
We respect Deadpool. We respect Marvel Jesus, but his smokes are poison.

CJ
Public health policy must follow evidence. How long have the first nations smoked tobacco?”

Deadpool adjusts his cuffs.

Thousands of years I guess. Our tribes never had cancer until tobacco was sugar dried instead of air dried. This Marvel Jesus man is delusional. His additive laden smokes are much more deadly than mine. Take John Wayne for example. The cowboy who endorsed Marlboro. Dead as a door nail after Wild Bill Rockefeller’s snake oil cancer cures like radiation and chemotherapy. This dead pool man is an evil pawn of the Rothschild Illuminati organization. The only reason he is in the movies is Yale, Skull & Bones nepotism.

DEADPOOL
Ladies and gentlemen, adults make choices. Some drink. Some skydive. Some eat gas-station sushi. My cigarettes are kosher too. Just don’t smoke so much and you won’t get cancer.

He softens, unexpectedly sincere.

DEADPOOL (cont’d)
Let’s not pretend Native smoke is harmless. It’s not. I know. I know. I won’t endorse my own product. That is for Brad Pitt to endorse in his movie contract. YOU ARE THE NEW JOHN WAYNE BRAD!!!